Mixed feelings, that describes what I have right now. After a well behaved life, I am granting myself to go on a journey. A so called “self journey” to sound more spiritual. I’ve always envied those who did it but never really had the emotion. I sometimes criticized – a typical city habit, labeling those on the go to be missing out on motivations in life and sometimes even accusing them for being lazy. With all the work to be done in this world, where was everyone going?!
Three weeks after loosing my job on a global wave (love the way that sounds), myself in an ugly break up story and my stuff to some thief in Ibiza; there I was laying on a swing in the forest. Seriously..
I was doing NOTHING.
Watching the leaves as they danced.
Then NOTHING again.
I remember chasing a little lizard with a blue tale with my eyes.
There was a dreamcatcher tied up to the swing. Was I sleeping? Was this some wicked fairytale? Whatever it was, I wasn’t the lead role. The lead was played by some feather; and I just had the walking-on part. Still, it felt good. This couldn’t be right so I mimicked to have some tears. But again, NOTHING.
As the swing was going back and forth, it started to feel more like a dance. And I liked it even more. I suddenly thought, I can’t go back to my corporate life- not immediately for sure. I had to have more of the sweet nothingness. I realized it had already been hours since I was there. And there was no other place I needed to be.
Went back to the feather fairy tale thinking if I could ever have her lead. Could I get out of my uncomfortable comfort zone filled with chaos?
“I never stayed in one place for long. Have been traveling to places all my life.”
His words started to echo in my head. This friend the other night, all of a sudden, started telling me his life story. He was talking fast with few breaths in the middle. It was surprising, I suddenly was listening to some non-fiction movie. Then he got me thinking. As much as I felt disturbed my groundedness, this man has been flowing all his life. Traveled all around like a nomad. It sounded so exciting. Now there he was, after all those years, scared of being suffocated in a dream.
That was it- I had been living that dream. Despite all the getaways, I have been suffocated.
I needed something more radical. Something inspiring. I needed to go.
In the forest that day, I felt like I’ve been electrified. This was what the universe was telling me. DETACH! I needed to detach from objects, things even clothes. The place, the house. The people, too. Decision was made by sunset. I was going to pack a bag and leave. No itenary, no company. It might not sound like an invention, but to me it felt like one. It was so out of my scope, I’ve never even considered it before. But now, I was free. I had nothing less than that feather.
The idea was not to arrive anywhere of course; but it was just being on the go..
Where would I go? Where would I stay? What would I pack? The answer is, I don’t know and I don’t give a damn. Have I gone mad? Sincerely, I don’t think so. Am I excited? Hell, yes!
Going back to the mixed feelings; this one is a happy mix. Like Dixon’s Boiler room sets and I just can’t stop dancing it.